An Immediate Answer to an Immediate Question

Do you know what I'm scared of?
Settling.
Not in terms of down with a house – but in my mind.
I'm scared that my mind won't be flexible for experience.

That I won't be able to connect two thoughts together to make a conclusion or that I will be afraid to take risks.

I'm afraid that I will become a creature of habit. Not just predictable but on rotation. Put the pen away with the cap on in the correct bin as an example. It's an addictive distraction. Tidiness. When my house is clean, I feel unfulfilled.

I feel like I have plastic around me that makes it hard to breathe or to really let go to do what I need to do. So I stick to the tasks that can be negotiated while wrapped in plastic. I'm going to push soon.

It's almost like I live my life in theory. Or that I think my thoughts in theory. I was reading something I had written and I realized that my sentences - to me - sound like the drop. You have the idea, and then it jumps off a cliff and sits on the ground. They're like rocks that don't go anywhere. Just simply stated.

So what if you conclude something. Then it is concluded, you keep it or you share it and then you move on.

It's true that a person shouldn't get too attached, especially to their own ideas unless one idea hasn't yet been exhausted.

But then what - am I not allowed to want, am I not allowed to strive for something? And then even further am I not allowed to believe in something. Yes - I want to challenge my ideas, my morals even, or at least figure them out. I'm scared though that I will get caught up in theorizing my own personal beliefs to death. And then what? I'm afraid of being a walking enigma. Of having no foundation. Of being too free or of justifying everything and taking no responsibility.

I'm afraid of pushing people away, or losing people that I love and need because I'm lost in thoughts like these.

Do you think it's a creed adults only give to young people so that we aren't scared to "see" the world? But actually really see it for what it is? So that we don't sit down too soon and wonder when our infamous twenties will hit?

I'm scared of the game. I'm scared that I'll play the game. I'm scared that I'll play the game and think I'm happy but really it's only a bad form of "comfortable", but wake up at 45 with all of the game pieces in place and realize I've lost that sparkle that is my imagination. That I'll have dead eyes.

The world is getting older. We are so lost in the science of living that nobody really lives. It seems we have pseudo lives. We drown ourselves in the practice of manual distraction. Buy a new appliance, learn about the appliance, fix the appliance, reorganize the buttons on the appliance pain the appliance. Take a child to a soccer game. Pay someone to entertain you and call it “vacation”. I'm scared that I'm lost in the science of living.

On top of all of this - I'm worried that if I don't finally have a place of rest - where I can leave and come back - that I will be swallowed up by the world, having not shared anything, having wasted bits of information inside of myself, having loved no one at all, and having no final tangent that I can accept that has made me happy.

I am afraid of being buried meaninglessly.

I'm afraid that I will die alone or with someone who I am with only because I'm afraid of being alone. That is the one thing I want and I know that I want it and I don't want to be questioned about my independence because of it. I am not an incomplete person, but I am a better person when I am in love. I am more productive when I am in love. I am happier when I am in love. And I am challenged in a way that is good to me, that is fruitful and unique. In a way that I want to be. A history paper will not interact with me, will not love me, will not touch me physically, and its skin doesn't smell. I will love my own life and I will love my partner.

And I want to believe in what I feel and how I feel it. I am not afraid to trust my gut instinct. I'm afraid of the results of trusting my gut instinct, but I'm more afraid of the consequences of ignoring my gut instinct.

Apart from giant spiders and passionless ignorant humans in control of government offices, that's all that I've got.